What Do Women Want?

ב"ה

Disclaimer: I have to tell you, much as men seem to think that all women are monolithic in thought, I can't speak for all women; I can only speak for myself and I can only say that I've heard similar thoughts from some other Orthodox Jewish women. Many Orthodox Jewish women are perfectly happy and content to have men decide for them or live in the "the home is the woman's domain" and learning Tora in lecture classes designed for women only. Perhaps if I had gotten married at some point in my life and/or become a mother I might feel differently, but I doubt it since I've been feeling this way since I was about 5.

I'm often wonder why any Jewish woman wants to get married and give up just about everything of hers forever and ever and ever. All inheritance stuff (that women only inherit if there are no sons) and the "everything that's yours becomes your husband's" makes me wonder about the positive side of committing your life to a man's and makes me feel that women are not taken seriously.

I think it's rather pretentious for men to think that they can speak for women of all ages, eras, generations, etc. One of the problems is that men have a habit of objectifying women. Men, particularly those who haven't spent a lot of time with women, don't see women as serious discussion partners. They seem to believe that women are only experts (or even knowledgeable about) in the area of the home. But, particularly in the Modern Orthodox community, this just isn't true (and I'm not sure it ever was).

We don't live in ancient Israel, women often earn their own salaries and buy their own possessions. This is a new generation. Why should laws that were originally there to protect women in a time where they didn't usually earn their own way shackle women nowadays? And it's not just the property thing -- it's also stuff like Halitza and Get. Halitza is related to Yibum (Leverite marriage); when a man dies before he and his wife have had children, the man's brother is required to marry her. Required, that is, unless they perform Halitza . I don't know all the details of Halitza , but if a man's brother is either too young (under Bar Mitzva, aka age 13) or not interested, then the woman is stuck; she is not permitted to remarry.

The same issue applies to Get. Get is a Jewish divorce document. According to Jewish law (Halakha), a Get is given by the man and accepted by the woman. Men who are vindictive can keep their wives from getting remarried by not giving them a Get (the man would not have the same issues since strict Jewish law permits a man to have more than one wife while a woman is not permitted more than one husband). And, I must add, this is a huge problem in this day and age.

So, often when I ask men (usually my meaning is more rhetorical, but I often am given an answer, though I don't really want one, but I digress) why a Jewish woman would want to get married, they supply me with a rather flip answer that it is an accepted tenet in rabbinical circles that woman want to be married and this, I was just told, is still an accepted tenet. But this is not necessarily the case.

In the past few generations, there has been a growing number of women who have left their homes and families to find fulfillment elsewhere. There has been a growing number of women who have found marriage and motherhood unsatisfying. There is a growing number of women who just don't want to get married or be married in the first place. Seeing this, how can anyone say this "accepted tenet" is still true? It may have been true in an era when women's only opportunity for survival and gratification, her only opportunity to feel as though she accomplished something in her life, was through others, through her husband and children (like the Bach's mother-in-law, Sara, who earned a living for herself and Rav Yoel and his wife (her daughter) by being a seamstress and financially supported a Gadol (great Rabbi and commentator). So grateful was Rav Yoel that he took as his surname "Sirkis" which is a diminutive of the possessive of his mother-in-law's name Sara.) But this just isn't true today. And, I must add, that BECAUSE, in earlier days, this WAS the only way for women to find a sense of accomplishment, it is very likely that women suppressed that part of themselves for the most part. And, if that's the case, then that flip explanation that I have heard ad nauseum since at least my pre-teens probably never was true at all!

My displeasure with the attitude of men in this regard is that men often feel that, just because they have the power to decide for women, that they know what women want and what women are thinking and feeling and that's just not the case. Now, I must admit, I don't know much about what men are thinking or feeling (only, inasmuch as I can extrapolate from their own words or gezeirot -- statutes) I'm not out there claiming to know a man's "heart" (clearly I don't or I'd be in a relationship, but I digress) or out there making laws or statutes that men are obligated in. This has been my bete noire pretty much all my life.

I think it is important that more and more women begin to study what men do to become Rabbis. Whether or not a woman gets the title of Rabbi, we need to know what it is that the men are saying and what it is that they are saying about us. We need to understand the river of halakha and how psak (conclusions/decisions about what halakha is on specific issue) is arrived at. Toward that end, I am studying so I can be part of the dialogue. Men don't have a corner on the knowledge market or the analytical market. We need to shop in that market too.

True Love is not only Physical

ב"ה

One of my cousins (his Mom is my first cousin) just got married. He just post on FB in his status how awesome his wife is. He made me think about my standard שבע ברכות [Sheva Brakhot -- Literally 7 Blessings -- Sheva Brakhot is a period of one week after a wedding -- the first being at the wedding -- where the bride and groom -- חתן וכלה -- Hattan v'Kalla -- are feted by friends and relatives, during which people who couldn't get to the wedding can share in the couple's joy] דבר תורה -- D'var Tora -- literally words of Tora. In the past, particularly at Sheva Brakhot of my siblings, but also at Sheva Brakhot of friends, I have often been asked to speak.

The idea for this D'var Tora began on Purim. The first time I was in Israel, I was there on a program (called WUJS -- World Union of Jewish Students) and as part of the program, I learned in a serious learning group and one of the things we discussed was מגילת אסתר -- Megilat Esther -- the book of Esther. We analyzed the nuances of the Palace intrigue and the plot against the Jews by the evil המן Haman. Haman was so evil that a minor quibble with the hero of our story, מרדכי Mordekhai the Jew escalated into Haman decided to kill all the Jews from India to Ethiopia (127 provinces).

Haman's wife זרש Zeresh is mentioned a few times in the narrative, but always at times when Haman is asking advice or telling of his day and always in the phrase "זרש אשתו וכל אוהביו" (Zeresh his wife and all his loved ones) or similar phrases.

I occurred to me that this implied that Haman no longer loved his wife. יצחק Yitzhak (Isaac, the Patriarch), on the other hand, married his wife רבקה Rivka (Rebekka) and then grew to love her. So what is the difference between Haman and Yitzhak in this regard?

Haman, being an evil person, made his decision about who to marry based solely on externals, solely on looks. Yitzhak, on the other hand, realized that externals are not enough. You can't decide on a lifetime partner, a person to work with, build a home with, raise a family with, solely on external appearances. There has to be more.

My cousin, is one of the sweetest people I know, and one of the most caring. He is also moral and rooted in Tora values. I haven't yet met his wife (I hope to soon -- hint, hint, hint) but I'm certain that he made his decision based on shared values, shared interests and mutual desire to live a good Tora life.

May they always feel the spark of love they feel for each other now.

Rabbi Moshe Ben Maimon (aka Rambam and Maimonides)

ב"ה

Tonight, I went to my synagogue to see a showing of a movie about
Rambam (aka Maimonides). I had previously seen a Rabbi Berel Wein production of a movie about Rashi and enjoyed it immensely. I assumed I would like this one too, and I was not disappointed.

The movie told about the life of Rambam. There were interesting details that included scenes with Muslim zealots called the Almohads coming into Jewish Cordoba and giving the Jews there the traditional non-choice -- leave with just the possessions on your back, convert or die.

To some degree, I understand why Muslims (and a few centuries later, Christians) would give Jews the choice of convert or die. When you know you don't have the truth on your side, you need to keep people under the thumb of death threats. But Judaism is the truth and Jews understand this in a way that people whose version of the truth is anything but the truth will never understand. Because their version of the truth has more holes in it than all the golf courses in the world, they don't understand what the real truth looks like, so they don't understand why we can't give up our way of life.

I understand why the Karaites of Fustat, Egypt, had issues with Rambam. They didn't want the other Karaite Jews to realize that the truth in Rabbinic Judaism and leave the Karaite fold.

What I don't understand is why so many Ashkenazic Jews feel the need to force their customs and interpretations on Sephardic Jews. I don't understand they Sephardic Rabbis are often threatened (by threats of non-acceptance within the Orthodox community) for having different opinions or following their own halakha (version of Jewish Law). I have been learning Shulhan Arukh -- the Code of Jewish Law -- written by the Sephardic scholar Rab Yoseph Karo. In the Shulhan Arukh is also versions of the writings of the Polish Ashkenazic scholar Rav Moshe Isserles (Rama). Right there in one volume is not only the Halakhot for Sephardic Jews and for Ashkenazic Jews side by side. Both are equally acceptable.

Which sort of begs the question: why are so many Ashkenazic Jews bullying Sephardic Jews into discarding their own traditions? Why can't these people accept variations in Halakha that don't match their opinions? Can it be that they are concerned that their way isn't the truth?

Well, Torah bullies, ease your minds. Both versions are Tora, both versions are equally valid Tora paths. Stop trying to create a monolithic Judaism. Monolithic Judaism is antithetical to a living Tora and to the concept of Halakha as a growing, living, breathing, developing entity. Keep Rambam's dream alive and continue protecting his ideals.

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Who's Buried in Grant's Tomb?
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Teach Above

B"H

Tisha B'Av was just a few days ago. [Tisha B'Av is the saddest day on the Jewish calendar -- it is marked by fasting and it commemorates the destruction of both Jewish Temples in Jerusalem, one by the Babylonians under Nebuchadnezzar in about 586 BCE and the second by the Romans circa 70 CE.] On  Tisha B'Av I was thinking about what is going on in the Jewish community and how it makes my heart ache.

I see many wonderful people who "do G-d proud", helping people and accepting others who are different from them. I see a positive framework for many within the Jewish world.

But I also see hatred and judgmentalism, I see people protesting to keep Sephardim out of their Ashkenazic school, I see people who want to turn away honest converts, people who chose to be Tora true Jews, simply because they don't follow the Tora the way THEY follow the Tora.

I see people who tell others how they should be keeping the Tora. Oftentimes, I see the same people who are being judgmental about others' observances calling for Moshiah (The Messiah). Don't they understand that not loving their fellow Jews is in a large part the reason the Moshiah hasn't come. This was the reason, the Rabbis say, for the destruction of the second Temple and this, say the Rabbis, is what we need to repent about, what we need to change, before the Moshiah will come.

A number of weeks ago, an issue came up related to a blog entry on one of the blogs I follow. The woman who writes this blog told a story about some issues she was having getting her son kosher food after he was detained in their local prison for several weeks -- Read the blog by clicking here.

So I put the link up on Facebook and expected to get support from my friends. I couldn't believe the reactions I got from some people.

Their attitude was that if someone did something so terrible as to land him/her in prison (something that could happen to a person for not giving a source if you're a reporter, get arrested at a protest demonstration or in some cases, just p***ing off a police officer or judge) that person loses the right to kosher food.

I couldn't believe that people would react that way. This goes along with the whole "it's my job to decided who is and who isn't Jewish or religious enough or the like". Once you get into the realm of deciding what G-d's decision would be, how G-d would be judging this or that person, you run the risk of ticking G-d off yourself.

I know that I am pretty good at putting myself in another person's shoes (granted, I'm not perfect, but I digress...) and I generally feel I should fight for people's right to keep their religion, particularly when it comes to food (for those of you who don't know, I'm a vegan and I'm also diabetic, which means I can't go for very long without food, but I won't eat animal products. So I'm very sensitive about telling people, "sorry, but you got into a bit of trouble [possibly of your own doing but possibly not] so you don't deserve to eat."

I think it's important for us to fight for our coreligionists when they have no power to fight for themselves. Even Bernie Madoff deserves kosher food in prison, in my humble opinion. For centuries, we Jews have ended up in prison for no reason other than being Jewish. When we're in a country that accords all prisoners rights we need to ensure that our rights are among those protected.

We also need to remember that WE'RE NOT G-D! -- we don't know what G-d thinks about our own level of observance. To tell others that what they're doing isn't good enough is a tad egocentric. You don't know how G-d will judge you or others. I wouldn't want G-d to judge me as one who doesn't care about my fellow Jews.

Check out my squidoo lenses:
Strong Biblical Women
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Strong Biblical Women Part 3
Ruth and Naomi
Strong Biblical Women 5: Tamar -- Mother of Kings
Strong Biblical Women 6: Yocheved -- Mother of Moshe (Moses)
Strong Biblical Women 7: Miriam
Why Be Vegetarian
Vegetarianism: Getting Started 1
Vegetarianism: Getting Started 2
Rosh Hashana
Quick Vegan Cooking
Creating new recipes from old
Hanuka
About the Jewish Calendar
Witches and Morality
Presidential Trivia Quiz
Christmas and the Jewish Single
Math Hints 1 -- Adding Fractions
Presidents1: George Washington
Passover: Holiday of Freedom
John and John Quincy Adams
Television Trivia Quiz
Jewish Perspective of G-d
Purim, Esther et al
Being an internet small business owner
Why I'm a Red Sox fan
Pythagorean Theorem
My Blogs
Top 10 Presidents
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How Can We Appeal to G-d for Forgiveness?
Math Tips 2
Searching for a Fashion Partner
Math Hints 3
One Actor, Two Shows (TV Quiz)
Presidential Tidbits
Why Should anyone hire Me?
Eat a Healthy Breakfast
My experience on Jeopardy
Project:Runway and how it got me excited about designing again
Who's Buried in Grant's Tomb?
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Mouthy Mel Makes More Mortals Mad

ב"ה

Mel Gibson is at it again. He hasn't offended enough people by offending the Jews, he has to add African-Americans and women into the mix. By telling the mother of his child that "You're an embarrassment to me. You look like a f***ing pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault."

For those of you living in a cave, that is offensive to African-Americans firstly because of the "n" word and secondly because it implies that they are more likely to gang-rape a woman than any other group. It is offensive to women because it implies that women bring rape (a crime of violence again ALL women and NOT a crime of sexual attraction) upon themselves.

So, thanks to Mouthy Mel's mouthing off, I decided to dig up an old article I wrote a number of years ago (6?) about "The Passion etc." produced by Mouthy Mel. Here, for your reading enjoyment, is my article entitled "What do Jews Want?":

The stage is totally dark. A small spot light pinpoints in on the haggard face of a man. He isn't moving. His head is hanging down, limp against his chest. The light stays there for a few moments. Gradually the man's eyes open. They are bloodshot and you can see tears forming in the corners. Suddenly, you hear a cracking sound, like a whip, then the sound of leather against flesh and the man's face contorts. Finally, the light opens to reveal a torture chamber, the man hanging from the ceiling by his arms from slightly rusted but strong iron shackles. The man wielding the whip is wearing Catholic cleric's clothing.


Is the scene being depicted some bizarre alternative universe? Is this Shakespeare gone mad? No. This is my vision for a movie that tells the truth, the truth about the Christian love that Mel Gibson is just perpetuating. This is my vision for a movie about medieval European history through the lens of Jewish suffering.


As a student of Sephardic history, I have read many books, fiction and non-fiction, about the atrocities of the Spanish (and Portuguese) Inquisition. As a "yeshiva girl" through the end of high-school, I learned a version of world history I would never have learned in the New Jersey or even the New York public school system. I learned that the Crusades, far from being a "noble" war for G-d, were a slaughterfest. Jewish men were murdered and Jewish women were raped in the name of the Christian god.


I am the student who gave my college art history professor a different perspective on the scene from the Arch of Titus that depicts the Romans removing and defiling the Temple Menorah and other vessels after their "glorious victory" over the Jews of Jerusalem (which we commemorate in the saddest day of the Jewish calendar, Tisha B'Av). To her credit, she gave my version of the story full credit on the final.


So I am quite nicely aware of how historic perspective can come into play. And, though I haven't seen Mel Gibson's Passion, I can tell you right now, the issue, from my perspective, isn't whether or not the movie itself or even Mr. Gibson is anti-Semitic. The issue to me is the effect the movie will have on the average person.


This movie is simply a modernized retooling of the medieval passion plays. These plays were popular around Easter time throughout Europe. And these plays inculcated generations of Christians with a hatred for their local Jewish population that often led to pogroms and led to the biggest and most organized pogrom of the 20th Century ? the Holocaust. Christians, im"passion"ed by these plays, saw Jews as disciples of the devil, the incarnate of evil. We all know that G-d has given us the job of destroying evil in this world. But, in order to destroy evil, we must know what evil is.


Right now, evil is the lie of hatred. Evil is the lie that all evil stems from Jews. Evil is deception. Pope John XXIII, a very brave and loving man, told the Christian world through Vatican II, that Jews were not responsible for the death of Jesus. Mel Gibson sees this change in policy as inconsistent. I don't. I see it as the Vatican finally acknowledging publicly something it had known for centuries, but found easier to bury because of their anti-Jewish agenda. It was a lot easier for Christian clerics to keep their congregants from exploring Judaism by telling them that Jews were evil incarnate than to justify their own theological positions. Pope John Paul II recently apologized to Jews for centuries of persecution. Pope John XXIII, for his vision and courage, realized that a lot of that persecution can be traced directly to the belief that Jews killed Jesus.


Mr. Gibson's movie, in its haste to blame the Jews and exonerate the Romans, ignores simple historical evidence. The Jews never used crucifixion as a form of execution. The Jews were not in political control of the area at the time. And the Romans had a history of brutality. And they did use crucifixion as a means of execution.


Oh, and by the way, the Gospels were written as missionary tracts. They weren't too terribly concerned with truth, justice or the American way, so to speak. They needed to tell a story and they did. And they needed to make us the "bad guys". The book of Matthew was written specifically to convert Jews. It takes verses from the Tanakh out of context, mistranslates others, and creates others out of "whole cloth". It is designed to convince Jews that the prophets predicted Jesus' life and death.


So that brings us back to my vision. My vision awaits a producer, one who is acquainted with the real truth or is willing to learn it, one who is bold enough to depict it. Do people want to see the truth? I'm not quite sure. But we'll never know until it's out there for them.


* The title of this article is a take off on the only Mel Gibson movie I ever saw, "What Do Women Want?

Adar 16, 5764 / 09 March 04

Potential Energy

B"H

I was reading an article called Secrets of a Disappointed Life by David Harris. I mostly talks about how he learned from things about his father; how his father was a teen intellectual wunderkind scientist in Austria before he had to flee the Nazis.

Mr. Harris thought about his father's lost life, the loss of his potential as a great chemist or physicist. And, reading this, I thought about the macrocosm; I thought about how much potential the world has lost, not just because of the Holocaust, but because of all the potential lost when, throughout the centuries Jews were limited in what fields they could go into (for example, Benjamin Disraeli had to convert to Christianity to get into Parliament), Jews were kept from educational institutions, Jews were killed just for being Jews.

I wonder why people are so worried about us that they feel the need to keep us down. I wonder why they don't want to benefit from Jewish brains. I wonder how many Freuds, Einsteins and Salks never had the opportunity to rise to their highest potential because they were born in Syria or they had to flee from the Nazis or they were silenced by the Inquisition. I wonder how much the world has lost in brainpower by dismissing our contributions, by suppressing our creativity, by limiting us. I wonder if the world will ever learn, if they will ever understand what they are giving up by hating Jews and not accepting us for what we are.

And when I do, I wonder where this world would be if prejudice in general didn't exist and no boundaries were put on people and their potential.

The 50 Most Influential Rabbis are Dead......

B"H

We talk about them as though they are still with us (my teachers didn't say "Rashi said" -- they said "Rashi says"). But, in my opinion, the 50 most influential Rabbis are all dead.

My list would include my favorite Rabbi, Rabbi Akiva, a man who was a shepherd and didn't even learn to read until he was 40. He spent 24 years learning and teaching (thanks, in a huge part, to his wife, Rahael's encouragement (courage being the operative part of that word -- Rahael was the daughter of one of the richest men and he disowned her for marrying a shepherd) and was one of the tannaim -- the Rabbis of the Mishnaic (early Talmudic) era.

My list would include several of the Gaonim (post Talmudic Rabbis). These Rabbis took the Talmud and explained it for the people in their generation.

My list would include Rashi, Rabbi Shelomo the son of Yitzhak, one of the most famous biblical commentators. His commentary is simple enough for any Yeshiva 2nd grader and deep enough for the most learned Talmid Haham (wise "student").

My list would include Maimonides, also known by his initials Rambam (Rabbi Moshe the son of Maimon), who is famous not only in the Jewish world, but also in the Gentile world. He wrote "The Guide for the Perplexed" and several other books about Jewish law and Jewish philosophy while earning a living as the physician to the Sultan.

My list would include Nahmanides, also known by his initials Ramban (Rabbi Moshe the son of Nahman), who defended Judaism in debates all over Spain until he was forced to flee to Israel.

My list would include the Ari (Rabbi Yitzhak Luria) (literally the Lion), a middle ages Kabbalist from Tzefad, and his student, Rabbi Moshe Luzzato who wrote down the Ari's thoughts and teachings.

My list would include Rabbi Yosef Caro, the author of the Shulhan Arukh, literally the "Set Table" -- a book of Jewish Law for the "everyman" Jew.

My list would include Rabbi Moshe Isserlis, who wrote a commentary on the Shulhan Arukh. And the Taz and the Shach (who also wrote commentaries on the Shulhan Arukh).

My list would include Rav Yisrael Salanter who started the Mussar movement (that encourages people to examine their lives and be the best people they can be).

My list would include Shamshon Refael Hirsch, who showed that you can still be Orthodox in a secular world. It would include the Gra (also known as the "Vilna Gaon") and the Hofetz Hayim, who encouraged people to watch what they say about other people. I would include Rav Aharon Kotler who was largely responsible for the Lakewood, NJ Jewish community. I would include Rav Soloveitchik and Reb Moshe Feinstein who were Gedolim (great men of learning) when I was growing up.

To be honest, I think these Rabbis were far more influential in the Jewish world than anyone on the Newsweek list of the 50 Most Influential American Rabbis (granted most of the people on my list aren't American, but, so what??? They did influence many Americans). I hope you agree.

Check out my squidoo lenses (articles):

Strong Biblical Women
Strong Biblical Women 2
Why Be Vegetarian
Vegetarianism: Getting Started 1
Vegetarianism: Getting Started 2
Rosh Hashana
Quick Vegan Cooking
Creating new recipes from old
Strong Biblical Women Part 3
Hanuka
About the Jewish Calendar
Witches and Morality
Presidential Trivia Quiz
Christmas and the Jewish Single
Math Hints 1 -- Adding Fractions
Presidents1: George Washington
Passover: Holiday of Freedom
Ruth and Naomi
John and John Quincy Adams
Television Trivia Quiz
Tamar -- Mother of Kings
Jewish Perspective of G-d
Yocheved -- Mother of Moshe (Moses)
Purim, Esther et al
Being an internet small business owner
Why I'm a Red Sox fan
Pythagorean Theorem
My Blogs
Top 10 Presidents
Bottom 10 Presidents
How Can We Appeal to G-d for Forgiveness?
Math Tips 2
Searching for a Fashion Partner
Math Hints 3
One Actor, Two Shows (TV Quiz)
Presidential Tidbits
Why Should anyone hire Me?
Eat a Healthy Breakfast
My experience on Jeopardy
Project:Runway and how it got me excited about designing again
Who's Buried in Grant's Tomb?
My Vocational Experiences
Why I'm a Red Sox Fan
Check out my Stress Release Mix list

Check out my other blogs:

Israel and it's Place in the World
Jewish Singles
Strong Jewish Women
Everything Goes